So, yesterday I tied a Colposcopy Nurse down (not literally, I don't advocate violence towards medical professionals) and got my results.
All clear, as I said. The relief was immense. I haven't had to deal with anything like some of the women I have met on this journey, but I felt like I was floating on air.
Today I feel really, really strange.
I feel lost and a bit numb. Yesterday morning I had this battle that I was in the middle of and I was fighting and every minute I had something on my mind. I had a cause to shout about and I had to win. I had direction and focus and a real fear about having a potentially impaired life.
I'm just shattered. I kind of don't feel anything but confusion. I sort of don't know who I am anymore, what purpose I serve? I've always had something to rally against, and now life is void of any form of battle. I've raised £1,600 in a month but now I feel like I have stopped and hit a wall.
I feel fraudulent. Suddenly, it is done. Suddenly, I am free. Suddenly I have nothing to cry about. But I still want to cry and people don't understand. Everyone is so happy, and they can't understand that I still feel frightened and worried and what if it is all wrong and what if the future isn't as rosy as it seems? I feel guilty that I have had it comparatively easy. I don't know what to say to the others to validate my being there with them any more. I feel that they will want me to leave them to their struggles, as mine is (hopefully) done with.
Odd, just odd. And FM can piss off. I don't have the time or inclination to play his stupid games.
10 comments:
You shouldnt put all this in to a context.
Yours is a success story, and given the circumstances I'm sure alot of people youve met who are affected by cancer would like to surround themselves with success stories.
And to answer your title, if I were you, book some time of work and get a plane ticket somewhere hot.
Yeah, what he said.
Good advice by 'the boy'. Take it :) you deserve a holiday.
you know why, because its shock and shock takes time to come out and its ok to cry once its all over you know, because there is relief and there is fear.
when you've been in a massive battle, its completely normal to come out the other end feeling numb and weird, because its been a huge battle and its taken all your emotional and physical strength.
the other thing to remember is that this isn't the end, in terms of there will always be that little bit of fear and thats ok too. everyone fears the worst, just like a i am right now. its normal.
what you must do is continue to take really good care of yourself, give yourself some pamper time and let yourself be, tears and all, because you've been to hell and back, and your have every right to just work through this in whatever way you want.
just because you got good results, doesn't mean that suddenly its all over ok. love you lots and lots, here if you need a chat xxx
I daresay that it's been really rather difficult for you over the past few months. You don't necessarily start feeling fine again instantly - you'll be your old self again in time, no doubt :-)
thank god YOU don't advocate violence toward health professionals.
good for you and your stance on FM.
now that you have the "all clear" you can have more energy to expend on fighting cervical cancer, and educating women about HPV. you may not have the energy today, but you will soon.
sorry you feel lost and down . . .
I hate FM. He is a twat.
I haven't got the energy to do anything though, not even blog it.
Will try later x
at the end of the day your rid of him and you could have any guy you wanted,
ha, they're not exactly queuing up
Well, i think you very much underestimate yourself as a great person, you really really do, you are very attractive, and your not a horrible person, you will find a guy it does take time to find the right person, and you got to have the bad one's to make you realise how good the good ones are,
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