fm: the end

Well, it's tied off. As it is the festive season - and you all know how anxious I feel when something isn't right - I tried to put a little bow on it. I have been trying to think about how it is his problem. I haven't done anything wrong. Ok, so I wasn't out partying my life away on Friday. I was tired and fed up and feeling really blue. I know that people think that when you get the all clear you are dancing for joy. You are. That is true, but there really is a bump for a lot of people. I have suffered with depressive tendencies all my adult life (since younger than 18 even). I clearly have some sort of chemical imbalance going on. I try to manage this by surrounding myself with friends, but taking time out away from people when necessary, and recognising when a low "episode" is coming along. It is about management. But for all Fire Man knows, it was the day after I discovered that all that nasty cancer is gone and it coincided with my staff xmas do and I was totally blotto somewhere in South London without the mental ability to get to fucking Brockley.

(Interesting that Brockley is pronounced a little bit like broccoli, which I am now addicted to because of its super-food properties. I had broccoli yesterday AND the day before! Go. Me.)

Anyway, I have good manners, and for all my defiance and "fuck it" attitude about a lot of things, actually I am the sort of girl that worries an awful lot about what people think of me. I worry about being disliked, I worry about upsetting others, I feel upset and mortified if I offend anyone I care about. So, I sent a neat little "end of" email to Fire Man wishing him all the best. I can't understand his behaviour. I have tried rethinking it - perhaps he thinks I am the head fuck here for not turning up to his place after a blatant booty text? But no, that is crap. He has known all along (certainly since that night when I fucking TOLD HIM) that I genuinely wanted something to happen with us, something more than just him having someone to mess about with when bored. I honestly beliefe that he knows fully well that I have been sincere. So, the final conclusion is:

Fire Man: possibly a nice bloke, BUT with an ego too big for his own boots and an inability to treat someone with respect. You lot are right, if he wanted me, I would know. He would make effort to contact me, he would text or call. Before Coatman dares counter this with some weak argument like "perhaps he cannot contact you any other way than your mobile and has lost your number?" Fire Man has both my email addresses and my business card AND Facebook! AND I have texted him this weekend so he would have my number that way.

I don't want someone who doesn't want me.

(Except, of course, you all know me and you know that I'm clearly sick in the head because we all know I still want Fire Man. Even though I can sit there and look at a photo of him and pick out that his nose is too flat, or his eyes are too far apart for my liking, or he is too short... somehow, the complete package just works and I think maybe this is because of his cockiness and some mean little psychological trick that my head is playing on my heart).

So, the end went like this:

Fire Man,

Have either upset you in some way or your new phone is broken (or mine is playing up again, can never be too sure with a Sony Ericsson). In the event that technology rather than human sentiment is to blame for the lack of noise on your part, I wanted to wish you all the best for Christmas and the New Year. Hope work is kind to you for the last week, that Santa is generous, and that you have a good rest between too many booze-fuelled celebrations. Good luck with the TV table, am sure if you do your little boy face one of the parents will cave and drive it back to yours!

Tiffin

PS - fingers crossed for your Dubai project.

Not expecting a response. I have deleted his number and all the messages again. Even the "I just wanted you to know that I do care about you..." one. Still don't understand why he sent it. Why the need for the "do", the emphatic positiveness?

Anyway, I gotta get up and fill my empty and pathetic life with getting the car and going to Little City and seeing old friends. I am hoping to be able to forget the blues in their company. Am rather looking forward to seeing them.