fire man: so i'm fair game now that i am "normal" again...?

On a high after my EXCELLENT NEWS I wanted to contact as many people as I could, as quickly as I could. I did this via blogs, Facebook, a mass email and some mass texts. Despite nothing put of FM since Friday, I added him to the mass email as he had asked that I keep him update about how I go with all this stuff in that email he sent the day after we called whatever was going on with us off. And it wasn't a "hey FM" email, it was "hey everyone..." so I told myself that it wasn’t like I was contacting him desperately or anything.

Anyway, he replied:

Hey trouble, excellent news…
Have you been ignoring me for the rest of the week though?
Really really really pleased for you and I'll happily take the million beers off you... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Still elated (and I still am, believe you me!!), I sent:

Ah, hello there stranger,
Not been ignoring you at all babe, haven't heard a
peep out of you to ignore :) Am so totally over-the-moon, you probably could take advantage of my good mood and get all those beers out of me at the moment
:) :) :) :) :) My jaw hurts from grinning so much.
A great end to a pretty shite year. Now I just gotta get fit and squeeze another £400 out of people by May and turn it all into something really positive. Been told to live off broccoli as it helps ward off these nasty cell changes. Well, I'm going to turn into a flipping broccoli floret I'm going to eat so much of the stuff!!! Next time you see me, I'll be GREEN! Anyway, how are you? Still sexy?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx back at ya!!!! Whoop whoop!

Friendly, but clearly riding a natural high.

Then I left the office.

Just as I got on the train, the phone beeped. A random number came up. It was FM (remember, his number is in the Cheerios box).

He said: “Hey trouble… I’ve got a new phone… Something up with my old one apparently which is why it wasn’t sending texts! What you up to this evening? Xxx”

I replied that I am just heading home and has he got an exciting night ahead?

He texted that he was just leaving work, and “not yet” (in reference to an exciting night ahead). I said that it was pity he hadn’t said sooner or I would have dragged him to the pub. He came back that he'd've dragged me home if he had known I was at work late. I replied: "oh well, nevermind, there'll be other nights x" to which he responded: “Yeah but other nights aren’t tonight :( x x x "

Baffled by his U-turn on me again, I texted: “well all you had to do was ask, I wouldnt've needed dragging either x” Fire Man replied: “I don’t like the way that was written in the past tense! If I said I’m at a loose end now it wouldn’t make any difference! x x x”

Then I lost my cool and said: "ah so you want me to come back in? :)" although I wouldn't have gone back into town, it would have been too much of a mission, I have greasy hair, am tired and on my period anyway. Conveniently he replied: "I'm on my train home now :( x” so I replied: “Well I am home anyway, am sure you'll find something to do, have a great evening x”

This is where it started getting a little odd. He said: “I'm still really happy for you - now get your butt into training... xxx” so I replied: “Thanks :) I'm pretty happy too. Will start training in a few weeks. Consultant has to ok my fitness to train. Still got a few hurdles to overcome over next 12 months but all good tonight. Did you have a top day? X”

FM replied: “My day pales into insignificance! I'm really happy for you and just want you to know I do care about you... x x x”

(????? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???? WHY?????)

Almost immediately he then texted: "You may now take the piss... x x x" Feeling touched by his apparent concern and a fleeting moment of tenderness, I replied: "I won’t x" And then immediately sent: “Ok, I can’t help it. That was the text equivalent of touching me. You want to touch me na na na naaaaa na :) I care about you too x"

Fire Man responded: “:P You love me really, cuteness and all... x x x"

And this is where I was fooled. I said: “Something like that. I have a soft spot for you. Sometimes I think you have one for me. Thanks for giving me a break over having a mental few weeks. Will buy you a beer, although not a million (reference to joke made in email about owing everyone a million beers for their support). Your liver wouldn’t thank me. Will thank you some other way x”

God, I am a twat.

Well, of course, he didn’t reply.

So, half an hour later, I sent: “Jerkface :) x” partly so that I could get it off my chest, but also with the smiley and kiss so he didn’t know I meant it. In reply, I got “Thanks honey. Glad to see you’re back to your old self… xxx”

So, what do you guys make of all that? Come on, let’s hear it. I dunno why he bothered to keep the contact going. He didn’t even have to reply to the email. Today was so good that it wouldn’t have mattered. I had written him off anyway. What was that “…and just want you to know I do care about you...” text about? Why? I mean, does he now see me as fair game? Now that I have a weight off my shoulders, he can mess with me?

The really rotten thing is that, now that the adrenaline is dropping and I am coming down from the high, realisation is getting hold of me. This morning I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know if there were still horrible nasty cancer cells in me. I didn’t know if I was going to have to endure more surgery or radiotherapy or chemo or what. I didn’t know if I would ever beat it. The relief was enormous.

But now I keep thinking how fucking lucky I am, and I feel mortality more vividly than you do right this second. We all know that any of us could die at any moment. CC wasn’t going to kill me a 24, or even 25. But it made me much more aware that I am not invincible at all. If I hadn’t been so damned lucky, I wouldn’t even know. It could have progressed and by the time I would get called in next year, I could have found myself facing a hysterectomy straight off. I have been torturing myself with it anyway. As I said in my text to FM, there are still many hurdles to overcome. I will never be able to relax before a colposcopy or smear ever again. I will never be blasé about being young and healthy.

I have to get through Tuesday, then another colposcopy in 5 months time when the cervix has healed fully and it won’t be like looking at a war zone. The consultant will only then be able to tell me that it really, really is gone. After that, I am monitored every year for ten years. They ain’t taking any chances. And it could come back. It will always be there in the shadows.

The past few hours, this has really been sinking in. For now, I am safe. I am just another statistic. I am one in three. I will always be one in three. I can turn around and say “I am 24 and I have survived cancer” although I feel fraudulent saying that because, I didn’t do anything. I was passive in all of this. This was not a battle that I fought. My consultant, despite his shitty bedside manner, took on a piece of my body that was destroying itself and he got the bastard out. I was just another little fight for him.

For all my griping and hating the system, the NHS cervical screening programme and my consultant saved my life.

It’s a humbling thought.

One of my friends commented that no doubt I will have a different perspective on life and she is absolutely right. I still hate transport and wouldn’t mind throwing a few brattish children under passing buses; I will still rant and rave on my blog. I will still be middle class and ungrateful. Sod it. But I am thankful and will do as Dee says and try to “not sweat the small stuff”. It’ll be ranting but not real.

So … what do you make of Fire Man?