chasing results

I need to chase for my results. I am going out of my mind. I had to take two one-a-night Nytols last night to knock me out. One just had no effect whatsoever. I am all out of Zop. The girls have said that results get tied up in the admin system, sitting in trays waiting for overworked nurses and support staff to get around to processing them and posting them out. They say that results are back with the clinic/consultant within 10 days.

At the cancer conference the other week, one of the women, Suz, got really angry about it. She stood up in one of the Q&A sessions and let rip at one of the speakers about the fact that we sit about biting our fingernails down to their cuticles. We have to endure long nights of staring at the ceiling and thinking up worst case scenarios in between counting so many sheep that I never want to see a sheep again, and wake up drenched in sweat on those nights when exhaustion forces us to sleep,. All because nobody seems to care how important it is - mentally as well as physically - for us to know as soon as possible. Sadly her outpouring was misdirected and the speaker looked at us gathered women like a deer caught in the headlights, unable to offer a solution. I think it made Suz feel slightly better to have shot her mouth off though. Sometimes all you need is to release that tension by yelling or breaking something or kicking the dustbin on the way to the bus stop.

But 6 weeks has taken its toll. I am finding it harder to joke about the situation, which has mostly been my reaction to it coming up in conversation so far. I don't know whether this has been to reassure worried friends, or simply to try and fool myself, but waving it all away with an "ah, it'll be ok, of course it will be ok" has seen me through so far (apart from the wibble-wobbles I have had via my blog/s or through the charity contact network).

Mar has been telling me to bite the bullet and call them. She finally did last week. For her, it wasn't great news. This has knocked my confidence somewhat because I know it could be the same for me. I feel rather close to Mar as well, as she had her procedure the day before I had mine (although it wasn't the same op exactly, mine was under general and more was taken away). We've been supporting each other at all hours of the day and night. She has invited me to stay with her and her fiance and their lunatic dogs over the next few weeks.

Today she branded me a "wuss" because I won't phone. I have hidden behind the fact that I don't have the unit telephone number on me and I will do it tomorrow. A web search could not find the number (I did try in case it was on the hospital site) so I have to wait. Although she and I (and you probably) know I could probably call the main switchboard and get it that way. I just don't want my confidence to be diluted by having to go through other people to get numbers (and probably get directed to the wrong department a few times before I finally end up where I need to be).

So, tomorrow is the day. I will call and ask if they can just tell me. If it's bad news, at least I can prepare. If it is good news, this won't be hanging over me for Christmas.

Fuck me, I am scared.